Where are the Jailblazers?

This new Blazer team has made giant leaps to erase the infamous name of the “jailblazers.” Yes, fans, there was a time in our lives when the air was full of evil and hatred. It seemed that Hades, the god of the underworld himself decided to create a basketball team in Portland that would bring so much disdain to the city. We here at the blog have named the late years of 1990’s and the early part of the new millennium as the dark years of the Portland Trail Blazers. There hasn’t been a collection of basketball players that have visited the Portland precinct more since this team was built by good old “Trader” Bob Whitsitt. His knack for talent went along with his knack to find the troubled souls of the NBA. It’s nice to know that these years are behind us and that we have a very bright future ahead.
 
However, we must look at our history and always remind ourselves that we are only one or two trades from returning to the depths of hell. So here are Satan’s army also known as the 2001 Trail Blazers:
 Player G GS MPG FG% 3p% FT% OFF DEF TOT APG SPG BPG TO PF PPG
 Rasheed Wallace 79 79 37.5 .469 .360 .734 1.70 6.40 8.20 1.9 1.28 1.28 1.66 2.70 19.3
 Bonzi Wells 74 69 31.7 .469 .384 .741 1.60 4.40 6.00 2.8 1.53 .34 2.58 2.80 17.0
 Damon Stoudamire 75 71 37.3 .402 .353 .888 1.00 2.90 3.90 6.5 .89 .09 1.99 2.00 13.5
 Ruben Patterson 75 13 23.5 .515 .250 .701 2.10 1.90 4.00 1.4 1.05 .49 1.52 1.90 11.2
 Derek Anderson 70 27 26.6 .404 .373 .856 .70 2.00 2.70 3.1 .97 .11 1.24 1.60 10.8
 Scottie Pippen 62 60 32.2 .411 .305 .774 1.20 3.90 5.20 5.9 1.63 .56 2.76 2.60 10.6
 Dale Davis 78 77 31.4 .510 .000 .708 3.40 5.50 8.80 1.2 .79 1.06 .79 2.50 9.5
 Shawn Kemp 75 5 16.4 .430 .000 .794 1.20 2.60 3.80 .7 .57 .44 1.08 2.50 6.1
 Steve Kerr 65 0 11.9 .470 .394 .975 .10 .80 .90 1.0 .20 .02 .37 .80 4.1
 Erick Barkley 19 4 12.0 .353 .143 .900 .30 .70 .90 1.8 .89 .05 .63 1.50 3.1
 Zach Randolph 41 0 5.8 .449 .000 .667 .80 .90 1.70 .3 .17 .10 .37 .70 2.8
 Mitchell Butler 11 0 8.2 .435 .333 .667 .50 .70 1.30 .5 .00 .09 .45 .90 2.6
 Rick Brunson 59 2 8.8 .398 .545 .707 .40 .80 1.20 1.9 .42 .03 .80 .90 2.1
 Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje 33 1 7.4 .406 .000 .520 .60 1.00 1.70 .1 .09 .48 .42 1.20 1.2
 Chris Dudley 43 2 7.6 .400 .000 .533 .60 1.20 1.90 .3 .07 .33 .33 1.00 1.1
Team Averages 82 0 241.8 .450 .354 .763 13.2 29.8 43.0 23.5 8.6 4.5 14.3 19.7 96.
Obviously not everyone in the team contributed to the evil juice that the city was poisoned with. To save your eyes from reading too much junk, we will only focus on the major “ingredients” of this roster.
In at point guard from DePaul University is Rod “had a building size poster of himself in downtown” Strickland. Strickland was a smooth operator when it came to handling the ball, but off the court he had his problems, “a guy who has been regularly late for practices and games, a guy who eats poorly, does not take care of his body and was arrested on drunken-driving charges three times — a person who regularly puts himself before his team” (New York Times; March 2001). He is now assistant co-ordinator of basketball operations at the University of Memphis, taking over the job held by former NBA player, Milt Wagner. Hopefully Mr. Strickland is preaching practice! practice! practice! instead of drink! drink! drink!
At point guard as well is Damon Stoudamire from University of Arizona. Out of all the jailblazers, Damon was the one in the bunch that you felt sorry for. Every time he got caught smoking that joint, he seemed so devastated that you wanted to forgive him. He even made you believe that he would never do it again. Damon had so many incidents with pot any fan could pick their 5 favorite stories. Remember the time when Sheed and Damon were coming home from a Seattle Sonics game in Damon’s Hummer and getting caught smoking the reefer? How about when cops came into his house and found a butt load of Mary Janes? Well D-Stoud is now with the spurs as a back up PG trying his hardest to win a championship before he retires. It’s nicer to be remembered as a champion than a pot head.
At small forward from Ball State University….Bonzi “spittin on Danny Ferry’s face” Wells. Bonzi was a scoring threat anytime he was on the floor. He can post-up his man or beat him to the basket with his quick moves, but Bonzi had problems. From the weed to the media hating, to the fan hating, this man did not like the Portland media, the Portland fans or the city. He was good, but damn he was awful. The man had no respect for anyone. Spitting on Danny Ferry during a Blazers-Cavs game just proves this point. Bonzi is still playing and have not caused any problems lately, but don’t forget that he just got traded to the Hornets. Give him a month or two when he thinks he’s the best player on the team. His recent trade to NO with CP3 gives Bonzi his chance at the limelight: also known as the playoffs. That is if Byron Scott plays him. Here’s a clip of two former blazer tools going at it…..
At forward is Shawn Kemp , straight from Concord High School in Indiana. The reign man, known for his dunking skills and super athletic ability was also know for his skills in having illegitimate kids. Cocaine was also a sidekick of Mr. Kemp where in his short stint in Portland, he was asked to go to rehab (cue for Amy Winehouse song her). Shawn Kemp epitomizes the work of “Trader Bob.” Bob Whitsitt was so eager to win a championship that he was willing to take the risk of bringing an old fading star player with a drug problem. This part came straight from Wikepedia, “In June 2006, the Denver Post reported that Kemp had slimmed down to the playing weight of his all-star days and was determined to join an NBA team, possibly the Denver Nuggets, and finish his career “the right way.” The Nuggets ultimately turned their attention away from Kemp, signing power forward Reggie Evans.”
And finally at Center/Forward from University of North Carolina…..Ra…..Sheeed Wallace. Man, was this guy a head ache for the Portland fans and the media. For what Rasheed brought in the court with his extreme basketball talent, he took back with his immature antics, hate for the media and fans, and reckless abandonment for the team.
 
He hurt one player during practice by throwing a basketball right in Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje’s junk, threw a towel at Blazersog’s favorite center, Arvydas Sabonis, wouldn’t speak to the media, smoked weed with D-Stoud, and lead the league in technical fouls. This dude was worse than the class bully. For all his basketball skills, we’d still trade him for an Ikea chair. Wallace of course as all Blazers fans know won the championship at Detroit. He has since then, brought his team to the eastern conference finals and NBA championships a few times. He is loved in Detroit for his “hard” demeanor, a real “blue collar” kinda guy, but like we have said in the past we are happy that he is in Detroit and not Portland. We are happy with our Ikea chair.
Honorable mentions go to other Blazer players:
Isaiah JR Rider: In January 2006, Rider was arrested on kidnapping charges in Marin City, California for taking a female friend in his car against her will.He was charged with domestic violence and ordered to stay out of Marin City. Despite this court order, he was spotted in the area a few weeks later. A Marin County sheriff’s deputy confronted him, and while fleeing, Rider hit another car. Most recently, on January 6, 2008, Rider was again arrested, this time in Berkeley, CA, after a confrontation between a taxi driver and a passenger resulted in the police being called. Rider was found to be the passenger. Subsequently, Rider was arrested on a no-bail warrant issued by the County of Alameda for unlawful firearm possession and separate $5,000 warrant for grand theft issued by the Oaktown Police. As of late that evening, he was still being held at the city’s jail. On March 5, 2008 Isaiah was arrested and is being held in the Marin County Jail in San Rafael, California. Charges are possession of narcotic controlled substanced, disobeying a court order, evading a peace officer, providing false information to a peace officer, and driving on a suspended license.  He is being held in “lock down,” which is of personal knowledge (Wikepedia: JR Rider).
Qyntel Woods: Q, for all his dog fighting habits, is out of the NBA and is playing for Olympiacos, a Greek basketball team.
Ruben Patterson: The sex offender that proclaimed himself the Kobe Stopper….whoa how ironic is it that one sex offender in the NBA had nicknamed himself after his ability to defend another sex offender in the NBA? Well, he recently just got waived by the struggling Clippers.
Zach Randolph: Another weed smoker with so much promise. ZBo gave another teammate a broken eye socket after punching him during practice. Nice. He is now playing for the Knicks who seemed to have taken the sour reputation the Blazers had in the league and made it into their own.
Darius Miles: Seeing that this dud is still in the team, you all know what he’s been doing….NOTHING. He’s fat, broken and is eating up cap space. Can we get another Ikea chair for this fool?
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17 Responses to “Where are the Jailblazers?”

  1. Man, That dog looks mean

  2. I love when ‘Sheed and Bonzi are jawing at each other and then Bonzi misses the free throw and ‘Sheed screams “Ball Don’t Lie!!!” over and over like he used to. By the way, ‘Sheed is about as “blue collar” as Donald Trump. I don’t think it’s very blue collar to have more talent than anyone else in the NBA and waste it because you don’t give a damn about anything other than money (a la cut the check). That sounds more like Enron and less like the Teamsters to me.

  3. The need for sheed Says:

    This man was awesome until he decided to miss every freakin basket during the 4th quarter of the Western Conferenc finals back in 2000. I guess “ball don’t lie!!!” sheed….you suck balls

    • hey dont diss the player, now im the biggest rasheed wallace fan and im a freshman in highschool i honestly cried when he left te “jail blazers” saddest day man now hes got a real shot for another championship in boston. they going all the way dis year . now hes smoking weed with ray ray and kg hahahah!!!!!!
      he aint ever hurt nobody,sheed need some RESPECT from yall haters out derYo shit!!!! #30

  4. Valerie Parkhurst Says:

    Great writing in this peice, couldnt stop..smiling…

  5. ItsMrHarris2u Says:

    The sad thing is, I could rewrite this whole article, twice as long, without one mention of these antics… yes, there are so, so many more that are not mentioned and are even better… (Zach tieing up a stripper, Damon walking through a metal-detector with an OZ of weed in aluminum foil, Telfair caught with a gun, etc)

  6. Thanks Valerie. Hope you keep reading our stuff.

  7. ItsMrHarris2u Says:

    JR.Rider caught smoking weed out of a pop can, then telling the media, “they still hang Ni##ers 10miles outside Ptown city limits. RaSheed telling the media that the NBA is actually fixed and feeds on young black youths… someone stop me!

  8. Just came across this blog. I loved the Jailblazers, greatest team put together that never won the championship. They would kill the Shaq and Kobe Lakers during the regular season and then choke when they met in the playoffs. Rasheed was right, the NBA is fixed.

  9. You guys are just fucken wrong how can you guys live with your self with that kinda behavior you guys should feel ashamed.

  10. sheed is in boston now with the faggot garnett

    • hey dont be hatin ona brother like that yo! MOF#$@$% GOT GAME NOW WITH SHEED DROPPING 15 TO 25 POINTS A GAME “dem faggots” as you would say are going all de way na!
      but you gotta love jerryd bayless now thats my brother

  11. talent-over-hardworkinbums Says:

    Eric and n4sheed have it right. You fickel fans better understand that it takes talent –more than anything else– to win. Remember that Bonzi Wells, not Drexler, Porter, Buck, nor Walton, ” the Enforcer ” Mo Lucas, Wicks, Petrie, Bates, neither “the Natural” Brandon Roy, L.A. (Lamarcus, not Los Angeles), or my name is David “will fix a game for beter TV ratings” Stern who loves my favorite superstar/non factor dud Greg Oden, certainly “not hardworkin’ smiley-faced and everybody loves me bum with no talent” Mark Bryant, holds the single game playoff scoring record for the Blazers. And the team that aquired Sheed won the championship in ’04; the ’04 Blazers that traded him missed the plaoffs for the first time in 20 someodd years!!!!!!!

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